Victoria Posted August 17, 2015 Report Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) "Short Story" Weekly Forum Event Instructions: You shall create your own story about ForsakenRO. May it be from your adventure, about a friend, origin of a monster, a city, etc. Use your creative imagination. You can include our ForsakenRO Staffs in your story. Have fun! Mechanics: You can submit only 1 entry The story should be about ForsakenRO only Put your ingame name at the end of your entry. You can include non-realistic scenes on your story, however, keep it limited. Submission of stories that are not about ForsakenRO will result to losing. You have been warned. You can base your story on a book you like, but remember to put the title of the book at the end of your post. You shall not copy stories from other websites, you can however get ideas but remember to include your credits/source. You can include screenshots if you would like though it'll only be 5% of the Criteria but it will somehow make people read your story. You can include our ForsakenRO Staffs in your story, but keep it restricted, and having to attack our staffs through your story will result to immediate disqualification. Including our ForsakenRO Staffs won't make your story be better on my eyes, I'll think of them as normal people only though it will somehow entertain our ForsakenRO Staffs when they read your stories. Criteria: Climax - 20% Storyline - 30% Characters - 15% Attention Grabber - 5% Use of Plot Twists - 10% Theme of the story - 10% Over-all Neatness, Presentation, and Organization - 10% Prizes: 1st place: 20 Event Tokens 2nd place: 12 Event Tokens 3rd place: 7 Event Tokens Start date: 8/17/15 00:00:00 End date: 8/22/15 00:00:00 You can submit your entries now! Good luck to all the participants! Edited August 17, 2015 by Victoria 1
Typical Gamer Posted August 17, 2015 Report Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) Love at ForsakenRO Once there was a newbie Acolyte named Camille leveling up at Anthell. She was having a hard time with no Leech and no Friends yet. Only a jumping Poring on Her head. "Die Die Die!" She said in a rather loud voice with an intention to kill an Andre with her might. When suddenly a knight showed up, warping just in front of her and killing her Andre. "You Should Thank me, I killed it for you." Said Ken, the Knight. The girl was Agitated. All her anger was swelling up inside her head until she blurted out her anger to the jerk. The boy was then Confused. "I just killed a monster for you and now you do this?" Said the boy inside his head. After the argument they left each other remembering their faces. Days past the boy and the girl met again at a raid. Along with two other Companions Apex a Sniper, and Diamonds a Paladin. As they were angrily glaring at each other The first wave started to come. After that They we're relentlessly fighting monsters wave by wave until they were Strategizing, Manuevering and Communicating with each other. Camille realized that Ken was not really a reckless and impudent type of guy. He uses his Wits and Courage to gamble and outsmart most enemies. Ken on the otherhand realized that Camille was always there to help Heal and buff him whenever he makes even the slightest mistake. They started to develop Feelings for each other. Until an accident happened... 6th wave "KEN!!! LOOK OUT!!!" Said Diamonds. He rushed to use Devotion spell on Him but It was for naught. Diamonds was too far away. The Banshee Hit Ken with all its might. But Camille couldn't accept it. She ran as fast as she can, She outran Diamonds and tried to block the attack with her body.. "KYRIE ELESION!" But the cast time didn't make it. Ken saw with his own two eyes, Blood splattered on his face. Camille was on the ground. HP at critical level. She can't get up to cast heal. Diamonds and Apex arrive at the scene. Apex was Enraged! Arrow Repel! Focus Arrow Strike! Focus Arrow Strike! Diamonds was shocked. She quickly opened her skill window Cast heal again and again. Slowly regaining her life. While Apex is the only one Defending the three because Ken still couldn't move a muscle. "Why would you do that? Why? Why?" Muttered Ken as he knelt beside Camille's bloody body. "You Don't Deserve to Die.... You changed since the day we met..... You are now.... my Friend." She said as she closed her eyes just like when you will fall into a deep slumber. Ken went Berserk! He raged and fought countless more enemies, with tears in his eyes he slaughtered them all, until the raid was accomplished. They rushed to go to their respective Save points and ask the healer to heal their friend Camille The didn't even mind the continuation of the quest. After Camille's recovery, She visited her friends which made her a welcoming party. All was well and the four of them partied like crazy. Months passed, they started dating each other in-game. The boy then asked if they could meet off-game. Plot Twist: They were next door neighbors in Real Life. Plot Source: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/1744205/1/A-Short-Simple-Love-Story IGNs: Typical Gamer/Typical Breaker/Apex Predator Edited August 17, 2015 by Typical Gamer 3
Miku-Miku Posted August 17, 2015 Report Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) FORSAKEN RO LEGEND: THE STORY OF THE FORSAKEN WANDERER (One day Miku with some of her friends and also her guild mates went to her old uncle’s house living in the city of hermits; Gonryun, to deliver the promised herbs to him.) Miku: Oji-san(uncle)? Are you home? Uncle: ahh... Miku-chan welcome back! How have you been young child? (Miku, upon seeing his uncle quickly and happily walked towards him to reach for his hand and kiss it as a sign of respect.) Miku: I’ve been well uncle. How about you? Uncle: ohhh, that is good to hear from you Miku-chan, well I’m feeling fine as always you don’t have to worry. (while patting Miku’s head) Miku: By the way uncle those are my friends as well as my guild mates. Hey guys come here! (while waving at them at the front door), (when the two girls got near Miku and her uncle, Miku introduced them to him with a cute smiling face) uhumhum this baby mage’s name is Cleo, I call her Cleo-chan. Cleo: Heyo! Oji-san! (while waving her right hand high) Miku: and this very cute stalker girl is Shinsenkuzane, I call her Kuzane-chan! Kuzane: Ohayou! Miku’s uncle. (while bowing at Miku’s uncle in a very lady like manner) Uncle: *giggle* you have very cute and nice friends Miku-chan. Nice to meet you both and welcome to my house please feel at home. Miku: Oji-san, here is your 100 bags of dried marie-jane leaves as promised from my last visit. Uncle: ahh right, sorry for the trouble Miku-chan. (Upon receiving the 100 bags of dried marie-jane leaves from Miku, Miku’s uncle then quickly opened them all and poured the contents on the table near him) Miku: umm , why pour those out of their bags uncle? Uncle: ahahaha! I just want my whole house to smell like them. Miku: errrr, right. (while forcing herself to smile) (then miku’s uncle scooped a handful amount of dried marie-jane leaves using his right hand and dropped it in a pot then boiled it, after that he poured the boiled marie-jane leaves in a cup of tea.) Uncle: *sip* *sip* ahhh!! That hits the spot! Oh! Lemme get my pipe too. (then upon finding his pipe miku’s uncle put a small amount of the dried leaves at the end of the pipe then lit it using a level 0.1 fire bolt.) Uncle: *pifffff* Miku: seems like your enjoying yourself now unlce, should me and my friends leave now? Uncle: oh no no no, Miku not yet, thank you by the way for delivering me these leaves, and how is Marie-san doing? Miku: ohh, she never looked old, compared to you she’s still as beautiful as ever and upon giving me those bags of dried marie-jane leaves she told me to tell you these exact words. *uhum* *uhum*........STOP MAKING MIKU GET YOUR WEEDS!! YOU CLOUD HERMIT!! GET YOUR FAT ASS DOWN THAT ISLAND AND GET THEM YOURSELF!!.......she said. Uncle: HAHAHA! That is so her she never changed. Miku: ^_^ Marie-san and you go waaay back right uncle? Uncle: yes we really did go way back, we also used to be in the same guild. Miku by the way, I noticed you’re not with the same guild as before, don’t tell me your guild hopping? (while looking at Miku with an unimpressed face) Miku: wait what?! No! Of course not, it’s just that....something happened between me and gm, and don’t ask me anything about it coz I won’t talk! Hmph! (then turned her head away from her uncle’s face with a pouty face) (Kuzane then raised her hand) Kuzane: let me enlighten you Miku’s uncle, actually this guild we’re in right now is Miku’s own guild she built this a few days after she left our previous guild, and me upon finding out that she created her own guild, without a second thought I left our previous guild as well and joined her’s......coz you see...I really like Miku-nee. (said Kuzane while blushing and looking down the floor in embarrassment) Cleo: Hai! Hai! That is right! Oji-san, I’m the first one who joined her guild we met in a place where I cannot get out coz I’m just a newbie their I saw her sitting among the cute monster porings while petting her cute pet Chung-E. I thought I was a goner that time coz I can’t see anyone but thank god Miku-nee was there, she helped me get out their and found out that we shared the same interests and we became friends then she invited me to join her guild, IM SO HAPPY (said Cleo while touching her cheeks) Uncle: well thank both of you for taking care of my niece, coz you see she’s sort of an airhead sometimes(whispered Miku’s uncle), and let me guess you guys got lost while on your way to my house right? Kuzane: well actually yes... Cleo: it was fun though we walked all around Gonryun entering one house from another. Uncle: AHAHAHAHA!! Your really are like Marie-san aren’t you Miku? Hahaha!! You and she are both airheads!! WAHAHA!! Miku: SHADDUP!! CLOUD HERMIT!! WHO WOULD EVEN FIND A HOUSE SITUATED SOMWHERE IN NOWHERE THAT EASILY?? HUH??! YOU YOURSELF IS AN AIRHEAD! COZ YOU INHALE CLOUDS!! (blurted Miku then gasps for air) Kuzane and Cleo: ehehehe..... :th_swt3: Cleo: Calm down Miku-nee. Uncle: don’t worry Cleo and Kuzane, me and Miku really are just like this when we tease each other, coz you see Miku is really fun to tease she’s very bubbly even when she’s mad. Kuzane: some family huh? Right Cleo-san? Cleo: uhm! uhm! :th_ok: Kuzane:By the way Miku's uncle, can you tell us more about Marie-san and your guild? Uncle: hmmm seems like I have to tell you guys a story in exchange for the delivery then, everyone sit in front of me, Miku stop pouting there, you want to hear this don't you? to know more about Marie-san and your father. (Miku then stood up from the corner and sat down in front of her uncle) Uncle: okay...where should I start?(while pouring another cup of tea) well let's begin in the times when I was the same age as you young ones, *sip* *sip* ahhh...when I was in your age making a living in this server was no easy task you young ones are actually very lucky, the young GMs of your era invented a lot of helpful things including the @warp and @go commands during our times going from place to place is like death march cause you have to go through a lot of maps and hunting was way harder cause autoloot commands are not yet available, this was indeed a forsaken server because the GMs of those days just doesn't care that much about the server, anyway years past and some improvements was made and some players came to join the server and their I met a veteran looking player in the novice grounds welcoming new players, his name is Mikuo, Miku's father. Miku:... Kuzane and Cleo: Woah. Uncle: well since I'm already there I decided to join him in welcoming newbies, then I introduced myself to him and he gladly responded with a smile, from their on we became friends and traveling companions. One day when we hunted Detale with some other players in our party and successfully defeated it without any of us dying, Mikuo got the last hit and became the MVP for the hunt and Detale dropped a special item called emperium. Mikuo then deliberately gave it to me saying he doesn't deserve it, I refused but he told me to accept it as a sign of of our friendship, then the moment I accepted it the emperium started glowing brightly and started talking to me saying; "who shall inherit the mighty power of emperium and change nations?" is it you?, then state your name and the name of the guild that you desire to build. Then from that moment the guild name that I blurted came out from nowhere; Forsaken Wanderer.. Cleo: hmm, I've heard that name..isn't that the newbie set that every newbie receives? Uncle: yes that is correct, but there is more to it..(sipped another from the tea cup and looked at another direction like looking at a distant past) upon officially establishing the guild many quickly joined from the party that we made in the Detale hunt, the guild quickly grew along with the other guilds at that time. Then in the day we are going to camp in thanatos summon grounds with the whole guild, one of the opposing guilds played a dirty trick on us, upon entering the room where we can activate the statues to summon Thanatos, a portal appeared exactly at the other side of the entrance, good thing I was the only one who got sucked in, so I quickly told the whole guild not to enter and wait for a chance, I assigned Mikuo as the leader while I'm away, and upon arriving to the destination of the portal I arrived to an unknown area, the place is like a paradise filled with beautiful flowers and from not very far I saw a giant flower with a beautiful girl sleeping below the shades of its petals. I tried to go closer and ask her where am I, but just before the moment I got near her, a giant red wolf came out of nowhere and started attacking me. After casting few spells at it and trying to survive at the same time a loud whistle echoed around the place then suddenly the wolf stopped and ran away quickly. Then when I turned back to check on the flower where the girl sleeps the girl is gone, but the moment I turned at my back there came the giant red wolf again! with the girl standing on its head looking down at me. and that girl is Marie-san. Kuzane: Sugoi!!(wow) Marie-san is so cool after all!! Uncle: anyways the moment I saw her closely I fell in love with her quickly. Miku: WOOOOH!! Cleo and Kuzane: :th_swt: you've been silent there nee-san then suddenly-- Uncle: uhum! so as I was saying I fell in love with Marie-san that "time" and being in that place with her I forgot that my guild was fighting for Thanatos at the tower, but Mikuo being there they carried out the mission successfully, then a few hours later they've tracked me down to the place where I was warped by forcing the one who warped me there to open another portal. You can guess how they did that . So upon finding me in that flowery field and got reunited with them, Mikuo and Marie-san upon seeing each other they stared at each other in shock as if they know each other and have been separated for a long time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------flash back---------------------------------------------------------- Mikuo: M-Marie-san.... Marie: Mikuo....Mikuo!!(then Marie quickly jumped at Mikou to embrace him) Mikuo: Marie-san how have you been? its been forever since that tragic day.....T^T umph...I'm so happy I get to meet you again. Marie: I'm happier Mikuo, I'm glad you found me T^T Uncle: ugh...sorry to break this touching moment guys but...you know each other? how? Mikuo: sniff...well to put it in a nutshell gm we are both from the same island and we are child hood friends. Marie: we were children born in the temple of Odin to serve the high priests there and of course to serve Odin. Uncle: I see good for the two of you then ^_^ Mikuo: I know, Marie-san join our guild, and come join us to journey the world. Marie:......Actually I can't Mikuo...do you remeber the curse? if anyone from the council sees me they'll-- Mikuo: stop it! stop saying that! I will never let that happen again, can't you see? I'm bigger and stronger now! I will never let that happen to you again, and most especially my whole guild will protect you, isn't that right everyone?! Guildmen: THAT IS RIGHT! Uncle: So don't worry Marie-san the whole guild got you, anyone who tries to harm you, we will all bash them all to the ground. Got that everyone? Guildmen: AYE SIR!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Uncle: and in that day Marie-san joined our guild, actually it kinda made me feel jealous to Mikuo about getting Marie-san to join our guild cause hours before the others even got there I was already asking her many times to join my guild... Cleo: HAHA! your sort of a loser compared to Miku-nee's father Ji-san. Uncle: SHADDUP!! naughty child!! Cleo: Haha! Uncle: *sip* *sip* ahh!, many years passed, and the whole guild kept becoming stronger until one day we've become the strongest guild in the server and the whole guild was hired as the personal knights of the king of Forsaken City. One day Mikuo and I got summoned by the king to receive a special mission for the whole guild. It is the mission to Conquer the nightmarish hell of Endless Tower and get the heart of Ymir from the top of it to set the world in balance, but being skeptical to this Mikuo answered back saying; but your highness!! how would that set the world in balance? getting the heart of Ymir from the tower wouldn't do anything but chaos! then the king answered back saying; that's why I want to have it, do it or else someone precious to you will die....see this amulet? how bout checking Marie-san's body for you to know, this amulet places a curse on it's targets chest to be more precise, the heart! one wrong move and her heart will turn to ground meat! Kuzane and Cleo: Oh my god thats harsh!! Miku:... Uncle: So me and Mikuo didn't have a choice but to heed to the order of the Forsaken King, and upon checking on Marie-san, Mikuo and I felt terribly awful, and Mikuo said; we cannot give up partner... we will do everything to conquer the odds.. we can do this...we will save Marie-san as well as the world...and I answered back with a smile; huh! remember that day that we made a promise to Marie-san that we will protect her with our lives? well we've been doing that since the very start even before meeting Marie-san, you and I and everyone in the guild do that, cause we are a family, and tomorrow on our journey through the floors of Endless tower our love for the family we all built will be tested to its extent. ------------------------------------------------------------flash back---------------------------------------------------------------------- (The Next Day) Uncle: all right everyone is everyone ready?!! Guildsman 1: supply team ready!! Guildsman 2: Support team ready!! Guildsman 3: repair team ready!! Uncle: Mikuo? are you ready? Mikuo?..... :th_omg: That bastard!! went in already!! everyone charge!! (in the upper floors) Mikuo: Marie!! why did you follow me I told you not to come!! Marie: your doing something reckless again so I won't let you go alone! besides your not the only one who is strong at fighting!! watch this!! SKOLL STRIKE!!(then skoll suddenly appeared out of nowhere and started attacking all the monsters) Mikuo: you still have skoll with you?!! I thought you've let him go when you joined the guild? Marie: Hmph! you don't have to know everything about a woman!! (In the lower floors) Uncle: woah! Mikuo sure cleared a lot of floors already!! (power of love baby!!) Guildsman 1: gm, i can see him in the map already and it seems like they are two! Uncle: Two?! how can that be? but most importantly who could that be?...ohhh no...no..no..let's hurry everyone!! (then finally the others managed to catch up to Mikuo and Marie) Uncle: Mikuo!! you risky bastard!! Mikuo: Hmph! took you long enough gm!! Uncle: what the??!! why is Marie-san here!?? Mikuo: lets chat later but first lets take down these valkyries!!! (and after defeating the valkyries, Mikuo explained everything to everyone then went ahead to the upper floors with every one) Mikuo: phew! we managed to defeat Naht Sieger! is everyone okay? Uncle: Mikuo! Marie-san is having a fever!! Mikuo: oh no no, Marie-san whats happening? (then from the floor came out a big glowing capsule and when it opened Marie-san was sucked in and quickly Mikuo and the rest jumped in but only the gm and Mikuo made it. Uncle:could this be in the heart of Ymir? Mikuo: no I"m sure its not.... Marie-san!! where are you? Uncle: look Mikuo.. Its Marie-san walking towards the heart of Ymir!! (Upon seeing Marie-san the two quickly rushed to her and stop her) Marie: the heart...its calling me... (then Marie-san's cursed seal started glowing intensely and the heart flew towards her and started morphing with her, the two tried to destroy the heart but nothing happened then suddenly) Uncle: UGH!! MIKUO... why did you do that... Mikuo: sorry gm...I know you would stop me if you knew what I'm going to do, I knew this would happen again...just like that time in our island...the council tried to resurrect Freya in Marie-san's body...and everyone in our homeland died....this time it will be different...I won't let anyone die anymore... Uncle: what are you saying Mikuo? Mikuo: gm...please...take care of Marie-san...and our future child.... (then Mikuo reached for the heart of Ymir just before it completely sinks to Marie's body and ate it) Mikuo: *gulp*........(in Mikuo's mind) I'll never let anyone get hurt again...specially my love ones...this time its my turn to protect everyone...right? father?......*cough* (gm finally got up then rushed to Mikuo and grabbed his hand) Uncle: Mikuo T^T what are you doing!! stupid!! damn that king, he planned this all along!! Mikuo: gm...*cough*...currently I'm the anti-container of the heart of Ymir...you can wish anything to me in exchange of my life...I'm still going to die any way so you better use it...so can you wish my wish for me? Uncle:*sniff* go ahead I'm listening.. Mikuo: I want to go back to the novice grounds someday...and welcome new faces joining our server....and most especially I want to protect them the way you took care of us all these years... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (present) Uncle: and after I wished that to the heart, Mikuo disappeared with a smile on his face, knowing his mission is done....after that we all got warped to the novice grounds and heard words from the skies welcoming new comers just the way how Mikuo welcomed everyone back in that day..and in addition alot of freebies appeared in the inventory of newbies especially an armor set named after our guild the Forsaken Wanderer set, it was really Over Powered set when the GMs haven't found out this yet. And some say they can see Mikuo in another form of players sometimes guiding the newbies along there adventure, wandering from one place to another in the world of Forsaken RO. Cleo: That was beautiful Ji-san!! right Miku-nee? Kuzane: ZZZZzzzzzz..... Miku: (suddenly teleported somewhere) Cleo:MIKUUU-NEEEE!!! bye bye Ji-san gotta follow her!! (warped) Uncle: This might have been shocking to Miku to know so suddenly, but nah! just gonna talk to her again when she's more mature, but for now go on young ones have a great adventure ahead of you,, help one another and grow up to be a total person....hey by the way Kuzane-chan! they already left.(while trying to wake her up) Kuzane: huuhh?! *slur* -------------------------------------------------------------the end------------------------------------------------------------------------- sorry very long thanks for reading ^^ IGN: Vocaloid 01 Edited August 22, 2015 by Miku-Miku 2
PotassiumPlus Posted August 21, 2015 Report Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) Once upon a time, there lived a girl who was abandoned by her mother when she was still a baby. She never knew how it felt to be loved and to love. She became cruel and ruthless to survive in her world. She was an infamous thief at her town in Izlude. She did every dirty job that she could find. She has killed and stole from the people of izlude. The darkness that consumes her being made her hatred grow towards the world she lives in. One Day she was given a task by witch at the archery village in payon. Bewildered why would a witch will be needing her services but she hold that thought and continue to accept the job. The witch wanted her to cut off the tail of an ancient fox at the payon dungeon in exchange of 5 gold pieces of coins. The girl eagerly accepts the job. She succeeded at cutting off the tail of the an ancient fox and brought it back to the witch. The witch was somehow to satisfied with her work but not so. In order to make things more satisfying, the witch put a curse on the gold coins. Little did the girl knew about. She willingly accepts the coins and dashed out off the witch's house. On her way back to payon, people along the road where screaming and pointing at her "Monster". The girl was confused and annoyed. Some people even threw jellopies at her to go away. The girl was humiliated, she ran to the nearest pond and looked at her reflection. A deafening scream was heard at the quiet town of payon. She hurriedly went back to the witch with her blood boiling. When she reached at the witch's house, the witch was gone. But there was a note at the witch's door. "To cure your curse,You need to kill a person who has loved you so much". She went more lonely at that hour, not only was she cursed to look like a hideous monster but she needed someone to love her when in fact she doesn't know how to love. She wept in front of the witch's house. Unknowingly, a good samaritan was passing by and heard the cries of the girl. He was scared of the girl's face but he knew that she was cursed and needed to be comforted. During the boy's comfort made the girl felt so small even though she was an independent murderer slash thief. That action later on made them love one another. The girl wasn't bothered anymore on how she looks nor the cure for her curse. She was happy that she has someone to cherish and to love. All the women at the archery village admires the boy she loves. Even though their love is strong she can't help but feel insecured. She felt that she needed to do something to make those women go away. So she went back to the witch's house. The note was still there at the door. Old and withering it was but still it was readable. She had the urge to do what is needed to do bring back her normal self. She devised the plan and with take action later on that night. The girl asked the boy if they can talk outside. The boy whole-heartedly agrees and goes with her near at the edge of the cliff and asked whats wrong. The girl said that never in her life she has experienced such love that she has with him and that she'll always love him forever. The boy was frighted what was happening and said you know your are the only one in my heart and our love will always grow stronger. Then the girl replied with her tears streaming down her face, forgive me. She stabbed through the heart of the boy. Horror was struck on the face of her beloved. Blood oozing out of his chest, minute has passed the boy was dead. The girl's whimpers surrounds the night. As the whimpers slowly turns to wails, she has realized what she had and felt that how can she live when there is no one who will love her. She doesn't want to go back to her previous lifestyle. She hurriedly stabs her own heart. All was heard were the winds blows into the night. Unknowingly, an unknown by-stander was hiding at the tree. The stranger pulled the knife out of the girl's chest and said "At last the essence of pure love". Her laughter filled out the air as the moon continues on illuminating the dead bodies. THE ENDp.s. sorry for the long story and redundancy and wrong grammar! HAHAHAHAH Edited August 22, 2015 by PotassiumPlus 1
kuge90 Posted August 22, 2015 Report Posted August 22, 2015 JEEZUS THE AMOUNT OF EFFORT INTO THESE STORYS And For 20Etoks @.@
Victoria Posted August 22, 2015 Author Report Posted August 22, 2015 JEEZUS THE AMOUNT OF EFFORT INTO THESE STORYS And For 20Etoks @.@ You can make a very short story about your first experience, an event or such. As long as it'll be entertaining for us to read, then there's a possibility for it to win :th_ok:
Miku-Miku Posted August 22, 2015 Report Posted August 22, 2015 JEEZUS THE AMOUNT OF EFFORT INTO THESE STORYS And For 20Etoks @.@ sorry my imagination just carries me very far away when writing stories so, short stories becomes novels :th_wah: but as long as people enjoys it, its always worth the sweat :th_meow:
Victoria Posted August 22, 2015 Author Report Posted August 22, 2015 (edited) 1st place: Miku-Miku (Vocaloid 01) *has redeemed her prize Score: 85 Comments: Your story is "good" for me. The storyline and climax were actually great, however, I don't like how unorganized it looks and the way you organized the whole story. There are sometimes things that I failed to understand, but was able to carefully understand it by reading your story a few times. I love how you managed to make an origin for our Forsaken Wanderer Freebies though, that made your story interesting to my eyes especially the origin of the broadcast message whenever someone new joins the server. Great job on that! I gave you only 85 points because I know there there is still space for improvement, and you should work on having a professional way of using words because when I finished reading your whole story, it was creative, unique, and interesting, but it lacks something. I suggest to use terms that will somehow connect and attach the audience to your story, as if we are somehow connected to the character itself and we feel what we feel. Doing so, will make you a professional writer. Good job still. 2nd place: PotassiumPlus (Baby Mafen) *has redeemed her prize Score: 79 Comments: That is a tragic ending I must say. The story was interesting, and it is amazing how you found a way for a witch to become more evil by playing the hearts of young innocent people. I'll give another ending. Instead of cursing her, she asks what the girl wishes, the girl of course wished to feel love, and the witch cast a spell on the coin. She still gets bullied/harassed since she is indeed a thief, but a guy will save her. She will then believe that that guy was the one who will show her what love is, they did indeed fall in love with each other but the sad part would be, the guy was gonna deceive her right from the start to live with the witch who was actually a beautiful woman. That would be one of the best and painful way to feel, and having a dramatic ending will make it better like having to kill herself because she doesn't want to suffer no more. That would've been an amazing ingredient, all those suffering and pain can make alot of evil spells. Anyways, the story is similar to the Disney Movie "Beauty and the Beast" which gave most of us an amazing moral lesson that people should not be judged by their cover. The reason why the score is only 79 is because you lack the use of the character's dialogues and names. There is still room for improvement, but over-all, your story was amazingly composed. 3rd place: Typical Gamer (Typical Breaker) *has redeemed his prize Score: 75 Comments: Your story is about the typical love birds who end up hating each other at first but then grew to love one another after an accident. I would be honest, but I was expecting more. Perhaps it would be better if the girl died, then the guy was weeping. after that, he decided to visit the girl's home and ended up seeing her Diary. Her Diary was all about him, how she hated him the first time and how she grew to love him, from how his eyes sparkle, his tan skin, that time when they were hanging out in fcity and she lost her potion, the guy has an extra so he gave her one, things of that sort. It would've been a dramatic ending, but since you somehow connected it with real life it became a little bit interesting and weird (It is very coincidental for that to happen). I would also suggest this alternate ending, instead of dating in real life, the guy wants to meet the girl, so he searched and searched only to find out that the girl is already with someone else. (for short, he was FRIENDZONED) Another plot twist would be, the guy was her brother, so the male protagonist was weeping/in pain for no particular reason. The story was not that good, but not that bad either. You still have room for improvement and I hope my comments will be able to help you with that. Edited August 30, 2015 by Victoria 1
