Funny Jokes

[Drunk]

One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie Bear went up to him and asked what was wrong.

Kermit said, "I'm having problems with Miss Piggy."

"Like what?" asked Fozzie.

"Well, Piggy wants me to eat her out and I can't."

Fozzie asked, "So, what's wrong with that? You're not a prude or anything."

"No," sighed Kermit, "but I am a Jew."

Edited March 16, 2013 by Drunk

[Drunk]

Q: Why can't psychics have children?

A: Because their husbands have crystal balls.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Drunk

[Drunk]

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest asks, "What do you mean 'almost'?"

"Well, we got undressed and pressed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Pressing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."

"Well, Father, I pressed up against it, and you said that was the same as putting it in."

Edited March 14, 2013 by Drunk

[Drunk]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

Edited March 14, 2013 by Drunk

[Drunk]

Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag.

She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.

Then he says now let me give you one.

He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.

The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.

Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Drunk

[Drunk]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

Edited March 14, 2013 by Drunk

[Hypnosis]

XD

[Drunk]

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

[Drunk]

What's the diffrence between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?

The one is made of plastic and is dangerous to children, the other is for carrying groceries.

Edited March 15, 2013 by Drunk

[Drunk]

There was a little girl named Fufu.

She went to school one day and her teacher said, "How do you spell your name?"

The girl replied, "F.U. - F.U."

Her teacher sent her to the principal's office.

She got to the principal's office and he said, "First off, how do you spell your name?"

She said, "F.U. - F.U."

He said, "YOU ARE SUSPENED!"

Edited March 14, 2013 by Drunk

[Drunk]

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association.

''I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,'' she tells

the children.

So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, ''What flavor is that?''

The whole class answers, ''Mmmm, that's cherry.''

''Very good,'' the teacher replies.

So she gives them all a grape and they reply, ''Mmm, that's grape.''

''Very good,'' she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says, ''OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.''

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, ''Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!''

Edited March 15, 2013 by Drunk

[Munchiesz]

Pakk your jokes lol

http://youtu.be/9RPPPHzPw20

[Hypnosis]

[media=]

[/media]

[Drunk]

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M Maganize.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[xCid]

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I have a gun,

Get in the Van.

Lalalalalala~

[Drunk]

Jo Mama So Fat That When A School Bus Hit Her She Said, ''Hey! Who threw that Twinkie at me?''

[Drunk]

Selena & Justin broke up? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOObody cares!

Edited April 2, 2013 by Drunk

[Drunk]

This Is A Very Funny & True Video! :3

[plok123]

If a blonde and a brunette would jump off a cliff, who would reach the ground first?

The brunette, why?

Because the blonde's gonna ask for directions xD

[Drunk]

If a blonde and a brunette would jump off a cliff, who would reach the ground first?

The brunette, why?

Because the blonde's gonna ask for directions xD

AHAHAHAHAAHAH

[plok123]

A blonde girl was talking about her suicide attempt with a brunette.

Blonde: I tried killing myself last night.

Brunette: Huh?! why?! How?!

Blonde: Well, I tried hanging myself with a rope tied around my neck, but then, I couldn't breathe.

XD

[Drunk]

A blonde girl was talking about her suicide attempt with a brunette.

Blonde: I tried killing myself last night.

Brunette: Huh?! why?! How?!

Blonde: Well, I tried hanging myself with a rope tied around my neck, but then, I couldn't breathe.

XD

AHAHAHA!!!!!! <:3

[Monaco96]

xDDD omg u guys good in making joke phew phew..

[Drunk]

xDDD omg u guys good in making joke phew phew..

Thanks! :D

[Victoria]

I have a joke! :D

Cinderella lost her shoe at the ball or something right?

If it fits perfectly, why would it slip her foot? O.o HAHAHAHA xD